Dilemmas in Decision Making

By Noriko Oka, Seniors Outreach Worker

This past month the James Bay Community Project held a workshop called, "Seniors Decision Making." Organized by the seniors' advisory committee, the idea for the workshop emerged spontaneously during one of their brainstorming sessions. The seven member group was inspired by the story of one senior named Irma,* who shared her harrowing experience moving from her apartment building into a senior's retirement home.

For all of her life, Irma had relied on other people to make decisions for her. At the tender age of ten when she lost both parents in the Great Blitz of London, she was orphaned and moved into a convent where the sisters reinforced the message that, "you're not here to think, you're here to obey." When Irma was finally able to escape the confines of the convent, she fell in love with a man named Fred. Irma describes Fred as a "dyed in the wool" Englishman, stodgy and set in his ways. She married young, had two sons and immigrated to Canada. Her husband was the decision maker in the family. One of his most significant decisions was to send the two boys off to England for their education thereby forever dividing the family. Sadly, the sons never forgave their parents for this traumatic separation and permanently remained in Europe, severing all ties with their parents.

After thirty years of marriage Fred died suddenly. With his demise, Irma turned to her close cousin, Jean who became her confidante and took over the role of decision maker. Whenever Irma was faced with a dilemma, she turned to Jean for advice. When Irma eventually lost her cousin too, she became deeply depressed. She found solace however in creating a journal, putting her thoughts down on paper. Coming from a generation that was expected to bury the past and taught, "not to air out dirty laundry in public," her journal provided a much needed outlet for her feelings and helped to renew her spirits. As she came to terms with her grief, Irma recognized her sense of isolation and her need to socialize with others. She began to look around at nearby retirement homes and finally found one called New Springs. After nearly three decades in her current apartment, Irma took the big step to uproot her life.

Irma realized that the first task at hand was downsizing. New Springs highly recommended a person named Nora who ran a de-cluttering company. In hindsight, Irma realized that she should have sat down with Nora to go over the details beforehand. As it was, Nora swept through the apartment like a tornado, snatching pictures off the wall, emptying out cupboards and quickly packing her possessions away into boxes out of sight. Nora dictated what Irma would need in the retirement home, paring her possessions down to the bare essentials (e.g. two sets of everything - bed sheets, towels, etc.) without taking the time to consult Irma.

Once at New Springs, Irma was asked to wait in the lounge while Nora proceeded to unpack all her belongings and arrange them in her apartment as she saw fit. When Irma first entered her new suite, she remarked that everything seemed organized on the surface but she didn't know where anything was. She ended up pulling out all her belongings to reorganize it in her own way. That's when she began to realize to her dismay what was missing and what treasures had been lost in the process.

Things didn't get much better the next day. Irma had expected to meet Nora at the old apartment to clean up what was left behind. She was shocked to learn however that Nora had taken off for a two week vacation that very day! So the task of closing up the apartment fell entirely on Irma's shoulders. Among other things, Irma had to hire a company to remove the carpet to expose the hardwood floors to restore the apartment back to its original condition. Doing so, exposed two inch nails jutting out all around the periphery of the room. Left without any tools, Nora borrowed a pair of pliers from her neighbour to pull each and every nail out of the floor in spite of her ailing back condition. Without even a broom to sweep up the floor (this too had been hastily thrown out), the whole ordeal took another eight days.

With the move behind her, Irma tried to settle into her new life there. But she soon discovered that the regimented schedule at New Springs didn't suit her active lifestyle. All the meals were at specific times. Furthermore, she found other residents at the upscale retirement home less than friendly. She described the awkwardness at meal times, sitting with fellow residents who stared quietly down at their plates or being glared at for merely looking over at a neighbouring table. She coped with these challenges however with a sense of humour, creating a comic strip to capture the idiosyncrasies that she witnessed around her.

Although meals were provided by the home, Irma found the diet to be lacking as she was very conscientious about her health. Her suite wasn't equipped with a kitchen. In order to supplement her diet, Irma came up with a creative solution by purchasing a simple rice cooker that essentially became an all in one heater for steamed vegetables, boiled eggs, stewed fruit, etc.. In spite of this, her health began to wane. She got ill, developing stomach problems and shingles. As things continued to deteriorate, Irma began to have second thoughts about the move. In the end, Irma's stint at New Springs lasted for only three months. She has since returned to her old apartment building and is happily living there once again while pursuing social activities on her own.

In reflecting upon the experience, Irma realized in her own words that she has always been a "wimp" when it comes to making a decision. She didn't mean this to be a self-deprecating comment as much as an honest assessment of her own limitations. Her belief is that one needs to be aware of one's own strengths and weaknesses. She recognized that she had been conditioned to have others make her decisions at the cost of developing her own thinking. According to Irma, the biggest lesson learned in regards to the move was not to burn bridges but to take time and try things out before taking a leap. In spite of her challenges in making decisions, Irma's strength was clearly demonstrated in her ability to self-reflect, be creative and deal with life with a good sense of humour.

Irma's ordeal is but one example of one's senior's experience.  Other seniors have undoubtedly had life affirming changes in transitioning into a new home.  One thing is for sure however, seniors face a wide range of decisions that they need to make at this stage of life which is marked by transition.  These decisions are crucial as they can greatly impact their quality of life.  Tapping into one's resources like Irma did and reaching out for trusted supports as needed is an effective way to navigate through this phase. 

*no actual names of individuals or places were used in this article