By Quipping Queen
- The best wintertime outdoor entertainment is slipping and sliding on Canadian Goose guano, available for free in any park near you.
- The crows aren’t arrested for disturbing the peace, but you may receive a summons in the mail for violating a noise bylaw prohibiting the operation of a lawnmower at 7:00 am on Sunday.
- The fetid fragrance of fresh horse patties becomes part of the “quaint” ambiance of the neighborhood.
- You have to share the sidewalk with feisty four-wheeled folks operating perambulators, electric scooters, or speed-demon skateboards.
- You are outnumbered 40 to 1 in the summertime by American cruise ship tourists stampeding down Oswego Street looking for the Queen.
- Pigeon poop and seagull shite are considered by many residents to represent some of the best examples of amateur abstract art to be found in the neighborhood's natural environment.
- The next world-class visitor attraction features a “hot air” balloon tour of the neighborhood powered by huff-and-puff politicos from the BC legislature.
- A trusty leaf-blower is a more popular household necessity than a snow-blower.
- The stray blue peacock from Beacon Hill Park Petting Zoo has decided to make your backyard his home together with your cat, canine, and kids.
- The sacks of smokestack soot collected from your summer sundeck can be converted to lumps of coal to put in the Mayor’s Christmas stocking.