Hell-cat Thwarts Exorcist

Over the Top

By Bea T. Dickens

Readers have demanded an account of the exorcism rite performed recently Someplace in the Old Country upon Mephistopheles, the cat rescued by Frau Doktor Waltraud Steinschleper, wife of one Doctor Sir Rodney Schnockdurgle, recently returned to James Bay.

Readers will recall that, believing the cat was perhaps possessed by an evil spirit, Steinschleper approached her saintly bishop to inquire whether there was a ritual in the Roman Catholic sources for the exorcism of animals. After much searching that worthy gentleman did come upon such a rite, long in disuse and of questionable efficacy. He nonetheless allowed himself to be convinced to arrange for the solemnization of the rite for the unfortunate animal.

Afterwards the media was abuzz with an electric energy amid reports that things had gone terribly wrong.  An unexplained fire completely destroyed the bishop's hideaway residence. The water in a nearby lake took on a deep purple tinge, and the surrounding forest turned ashy grey. Wild animals fled the area in terror. The bishop's office was unavailable for comment, but did promise a formal statement within the year, pending an internal investigation.

The exorcist, who earnestly implored that his name not be made known to the public, has hidden himself away in the ruins of an abandoned Benedictine monastery somewhere in the wilds of Lower Slobovia. His estranged nephew was of the opinion that some of his "indiscretions" had been revealed during the exorcism, something vehemently denied by the harried exorcist, whose hair turned white the very night the rite was performed.

Meanwhile, the cat and Frau Steinschleper are recuperating at an undisclosed animal sanctuary, both seriously worn out from the experience. The latter did disclose that she is still negotiating transit for herself and Mephistopheles to come to Canada very soon.

Commercial airlines have steadfastly refused to consider hauling the animal aboard either passenger or cargo flights. The Canadian government has remained strangely quiet on the matter, requesting more information for a special House of Commons committee under the auspices of the Immigration Department.

Dr. Schnockdurgle, who has consulted an expert on paranormal phenomena, declined a meeting with this reporter.