The Tao of Hope

By Doreen Marion Gee

In 1985, I was at rock bottom. Barely standing upright in the bitter rubble of a fifteen-year marriage, I teetered on the edge of a complete meltdown. A chronic anxiety disorder had taken my frenzied mind hostage. It was relentless, showing no mercy. Every waking second, I was tormented by obsessions and thoughts that stung like burning needles dancing in my head. My life was out of control. I was out of control. Hope was a dream for other people. There was no sunlight in my black, muck-filled tunnel.

But after returning to Victoria, the impossible became possible again. With effective treatment, smart, dedicated doctors, and a supportive family, my bruised psyche started to heal. Amazingly, I got a handle on those monkeys in my head. After two unhealthy marriages, I finally concluded that real love starts from within. By learning how to care about myself, other loves would follow. It has been a thirty-year mission to build up my battered self-esteem brick by brick.

My biggest ally is my son, Stephen.  Out of a stark marriage came something uniquely beautiful.  Along the way, I have learned the value of people.  My friends are my panacea, my oasis when life is too sour to swallow.  I am lucky to have so many extraordinary people in my life.  Going back to university and finishing my degree program was the best therapy I ever had.  Those huge successes at UVIC helped me to rise above a dumping ground of fractured relationships. 

Nowadays, I love to walk around James Bay. It brings back enchanted memories of hedonistic childhood oblivion. Once again, I am racing along a Dallas Road beach with the sizzling sun on my back. Or laughing and splashing around with my brothers in the pee-filled pool at Beacon Hill Park. At this stage of my life, I am firmly convinced of one thing: the steel in my veins that has helped me survive many hells comes from that solid loving family that made me feel like I was important.

In the end, writing was my redemption. Wallowing in one of my black holes, I pushed myself to go volunteer at the Beacon - definitely one of the best decisions of my life. It has been a slice dear readers, interviewing bigwigs and smaller wigs and putting it all on paper.

My Beacon experience paved the way for a paid gig at a spectacular magazine, The Seaside Times. That accomplishment gave me the wings to get work at the Victoria Branch of the B.C. Schizophrenia Society. I love giving talks in the community as a BCSS presenter, being a sensitive ear for my peers, and working with youth in recovery. And the Seaside angels designated me as their new social media website guru.

At age sixty, my life has never been better. My personal zenith was being nominated for a Victoria Leadership Award for my hard work in promoting respect, inclusion and understanding towards people with mental illnesses.

The stars have finally aligned. My horizons are glowing silver, gold and vermillion. Why? Because somewhere along the path, hope became an option again.  And hope can move mountains.

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